*Disclaimer: I am not writing to air my baby's dirty laundry.
I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share anything or not,
but decided that I needed some help and so would become vulnerable and share my heart*
Anyways, the details: anytime things did not go exactly the way Kara wanted them to go, she started to yell at us. Then I would pick her up to go to her room and she started to scream and kick. I would put her on her bed and tell her that when she was ready to stop fussing, she could come back. I closed the door and all hell would break loose. She screamed. She flailed. She threw stuff. She yelled that she didn't like us, or that she didn't care about anything, or that she never wanted to come out. What?! How is it possible that she is 3 years old and she is saying the things I imagine a 13 year old to say?
It broke my heart. I shed more tears this week than I have in awhile. Because this behaviour wasn't just a one time occurrence, it was multiple times a day, every day of the week. It was horrible.
Truth be told, what I wanted to do was spank her. But not just spank her. I wanted to shake some sense into her. I wanted to scream "what the hell are you doing?" "why are you acting this way" "where is my little girl that is so lovely to me?" I thought long and hard about physical punishment. But what I came to realize was that that would have been the easy thing to do. To just spank her every time she acted out was an easy solution for me, but would likely not change her behaviour. And it certainly wouldn't be an easy solution for her little bottom.
And so I prayed. I asked for wisdom. I begged for patience. I pleaded for grace. And then I worked harder at each of those things than I ever have ... EVER. Really. It was so hard! To repeatedly pick her up, hug her hard, carry her to her room, lovingly put her on her bed and patiently tell her that I loved her but that her behaviour wasn't acceptable. Then I would turn and go out, closing her door and take an enormous breath while I listened to her cry, kick, scream etc. But eventually, she stopped. And then I would hear "Mom, I'm ready to come out now". And I went in and sat on her bed. I listened while she apologized for her behaviour and I forgave her and hugged her and loved her. And we would have peace for a few minutes or a few hours and then we would do it all over again! I don't know if it got easier or harder the more times it happened. But slowly, as the week went on, it got better. Every day had fewer times of crises. And now today, the Lord's Day, has actually been quite peaceful - thank you God.
I don't know if something happened to start the behaviour. I don't know what might have changed in her mind. I don't know if anything has changed in our house. But I do take responsibility for much of her reactions. How many times, when things haven't gone my way, have I yelled and screamed (mostly at Curtis and sadly sometimes in front of my kids), or gone into my room in a huge snit and slammed the door? How often have I thrown an adult tantrum to get my own way. Boy, this is embarrassing, but I know it to be true.
Oh God, forgive me.
It's amazing how what starts as a story about my daughter's "sin" becomes a story of my own. I want to be a good parent. No, I want to be a great parent. But man, I've got a lot of crap in my own life that I have to deal with. God, give me strength and patience - not only to deal with my children, but also to deal with myself.
I started blogging thinking that I would ask some advice - and I still want to do that. How do you deal with your child who is throwing a fit? Is it the same way every time or is each situation unique? Do they know the consequences ahead of time? Do you have the same rules for each child? Help .... please :)
wow, I'm crying. What an honest post. Man, I've been there. Many,many times. Is she three? Honestly three was the hardest age for Josiah. I don't know how many times I called Meg in tears not knowing what to do. Advice? I don't know...I think what you did is the best thing, get on your knees and pray. I try and pray for the fruit of the Spirit with my parenting, love, peace, patience, gentleness, self-control...and try as best as I can to die to self in the moment and love them through it. I also find when Eden is FREAKING out, no matter how much I try to give her physical love or empathy she just needs to freak out. It is tiring and takes a lot of energy to love them and help them creatively through those moments, and I seriously hear you about the crap in my own heart and life I need to deal with. This parenting stuff is so hard. If you're interested I can let you know some of the books that I found most helpful with my attitude and creative skills to discipline with love. Thanks again for your honesty, I seriously have been there more times than I can count. It did turn around with the age 4 too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Claire - I know I'm not the only one but it's nice to hear it from you too! Actually, to be honest, a couple of times with Kara I remember thinking "how does Claire do this with Eden?!" Good reminder about the fruit of the spirit too. Maybe I need to start posting those words around my house :) Yes - let's talk about some of those books - I would appreciate it. Maybe next weekend?
ReplyDeleteYes, let's talk this weekend. I was thinking the other thing that honestly does help is having friends/family around here with older kids who went through really tough phases as little ones at times and seeing them turn out so kind and loving and sweet - and the parents often were either at a loss of what to do, lost their cool, or were much more patient than you think some of the situations would warrant. And so it's just been encouraging to me to see these other kids growing up so sweet. And you made me laugh about Eden. She is a special spice, that one. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, thanks for your honest post. I think most (all?) parents have felt exactly the same. It's heartbreaking and refreshing to read your honest and clear description of it. Zane has really struggled with tantrums. His didn't hit until he was almost three. They lasted over a year. Not as intense as your description, but yes, there were difficult weeks when he was three. We have actually just figured out a few things we needed to tweek with him. There is a book the we received for Christmas that is SO practical, and I think So right on. It combines attachment theory with firm discipline. Usually those two are worlds apart. With Zane we have done a lot of spanking. That seemed to be the only thing that would shake him out of it at times. Every kid is different. We stopped allowing screaming and kicking. He could cry, yell into his pillow, etc, but not scream and kick. More recently (after reading the book), we have stopped allowing tantrums all together (he is four and a half now, afterall). The moment it starts, I grab him firmly, hold him tight in love, and get him to calm down right away. Again, he is four and a half, and is learning very well how to calm down, take deep breaths, etc. We realized that allowing the tantrums at all was preventing him from moving on from them, even though we were doing all the same things you have been doing. But again, every kid is different, and every kid goes through different stages. The book is called Raising Godly Tomatoes, by Elizabeth Krueger. It is the only parenting book I have loved. It would mostly be in agreement with Dobson's Dare to Discipline, but Dobson is very philisophical, and Krueger is very practical. She also sprinkles scripture throughout the book, and I really had no idea how many Bible verses there are to think through in relation to discipline and raising kids. Love you friend! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement Danaya. Things have been much better since that week, but it sure gave me a glimpse into what she is capable of!! Maybe I'll look into that book ...
ReplyDeleteHey Honey,
Deleteso sorry this response is months after the fact. I guess you'd like me to get that writing project under way huh?
Please phone me. Somehow a plea, however honest on a blog seems like no help at all in the desperate moment.
YOu are in my prayers!
squishy hugs to you all!!!